I've had this happen to me. It makes you hate yourself, and question your sexuality ( i never questioned before and then it happened and i was like what the fuck is wrong with me?). It's such a horrible thing to describe that i'm embarrassed to tell you this anonymously. The whole world doesn't revolve around you so stop blaming yourself or making yourself out to be the one to feel sorry for. He just has some problems that may be physical or mental regardless of whether or not you're involved in his life.

Nope - not blaming myself one bit or looking for sympathy - that's not what this is about - just trying to understand that's all and work out if there is anything further I can do to make him feel better and more at ease. I've not said the 'it doesn't matter' line because it DOES to him - I just concentrated on other parts of him - everywhere except his penis which went down well. He has nothing to be embarrassed about - As a female I have had severe reconstructive surgery on my nether regions so totally know where he is coming from - I don't look exactly your 'normal' female any more undressed. Just wondering if the best thing is to leave him alone for a while - have tried to make contact but nothing for a couple of days but am not going to pester the shit out of him.

I do appreciate your reply as I get how hard this is - thank you.

what age are you and your partner?
Has he seen a doctor about the injury?

We are both 39. He has had many operations for the injury and just has to wait and see if things improve - if not pills are going to be an option.

We are not exactly partners - we have wanted to get together for many years and now we finally did after moving away we had the night that went wrong - see above. Have not heard from him after three days so suppose there is not much to do - think he is too embarrassed to get in touch with me - I have tried but no answer. Wish he would just say to go away but I suspect when he has cooled off things will change. Feel for him very much as it is an awful thing to have to go through by himself - for any man in fact. Not bothered with how I feel - my concern is for him. I cannot make it better - just want to make sure that my understanding of these type of problems is correct. Have to say that this is a great site. Will def be making a donation.

From a physical standpoint, hopefully the doctors and surgeons will have done as much as can be done to help him. Without knowing the specifics of the injury, it's possible that his corposa cavernosa has been damaged. These are the erectile chambers that run the length of the penis. To maintan an erection, the blood vessels need to stay constricted to hold blood in the erect penis. In his case, the damage to the corposa cavernosa may be allowing blood to escape.

However, there are two more factors involved that the surgeon/doctors may not have told him about.

At 39, his fitness level / heart strength and testosterone level will be lower than when he was 18, and both of these affect sexual performance, irrespective of his penile injury.

These can be improved with cardiovascular exercise and weightlifting, respectively. See the page on Manpower for more. If you get talking to him again, you might want to point him in the direction of that info.

From an emotional standpoint, it's very difficult for a man to come to terms with something like this. The good thing is that he can get an erection at all. But then It's like having cake dangled in front of your nose and then taken away. The only way i can think to explain it for a woman is like this: imagine you really liked a guy and you can have sex with him but only for a minute, and then suddenly your vagina closes up, and there's no sign of the problem going away ... not nice.

So I'd say leave messages with him but hopefully he'll contact you when he's ready.

Best of luck.

Thanks for that - really appreciate it.

I do understand what you are saying as I have been unable to have sex for 2 years due to some surgery going wrong.

The injury was three blood clots at the tip which were surgically removed thus damaging as you mentioned. It only happened to him 8 months ago so has not been long. He used to be mega fit in the forces but yes - his fitness has declined somewhat so maybe he needs to look into that if/when he is ready.

Whether or not he will speak to me again is another matter! - a comment I made was totally taken out of context (wasn't even relating to the problem as I wudn't be that stupid) and he related it directly to his problem. But we will see - I'm not going anywhere. Have waited almost 20yrs for the guy - what's a while longer!!!

Thank you so much, Nikki x